Searching, day 18,350 and something, something.
Every psychic I’ve spoken to since I was a kid has told me if I could only learn to trust, that doors would fly open, not just open, but FLY! Well, I’m still working at it, and I’m still searching. From my last few years of interviewing everyone from astrophysicists to evangelical ministers, I think most of us are. And I’m one of the lucky ones. I was raised in a loving home, supported and well educated. And yet, still searching. I meditate, eat well, exercise and make my bed in the morning – as well as a couple others, just to be on the safe side. I’m self-reflective, compassionate and grateful. I’ve got a pretty perky disposition. And yet, still searching. The last intuitive I spoke to told me I need to relax. I need to stop trying to figure out all the answers and allow higher powers to open up doors for me. Well it’s been four months trying to relax, do my practice and trust, and “Nuttin Honey.” At least that’s how it feels. I’m stressed, look trashed and feel rotten. And yet, still optimistic (That’s the perky disposition.) I was about to sign up for another session to let her know that nothing is happening and there must be a piece of the puzzle missing, and then it hit me. If I really trusted, I wouldn’t need to do that, I’d trust.
Well, gosh darn, I still don’t trust. Trust is tricky, because it’s not in your head; it’s not intellectual, because I believe. I’ve even got a notebook filled with evidence about how the magic of the Universe works and why it makes sense to trust that there’s a plan and it’s a good one, to trust that the Universe is on my side and has got my back. But trust is a knowing. It’s knowing that even when it doesn’t feel like anything is happening or look like things are going your way, that they just might be.
January 9, 2019