Now that we are working shamelessly on shedding shame, it’s time to start working on beefing up our I Deserve muscles. Because developing an unflinching, deep seated sentiment that you are gosh darn deserving has a whole heck of a lot to do with achieving successful, meaningful, fulfilling and fun relationships.
When we approach encounters from the feeling that we don’t really deserve all the good that the Universe and awesome mortals have to offer, we sabotage ourselves and everyone else who tries to offer us something nice. The lack of a sense that we deserve all good things, undermines our self-esteem and relationships just as much as shame does, and it similarly prevents us from achieving our personal and professional goals. The sense of not deserving also likes company and invites guilt back into our lives. And, Guilt likes nothing more than a threesome with shame and “I’m not worthy.”
I grew up with it coming and going. My mother was the daughter of two Congregational Ministers and my father grew up Jewish during WWII. So the fact that I received some subversive messaging regarding not deserving, guilt and shame is no surprise. Whether your internalized messages stem from our Judeo/Christian culture – Catholic original sin, The Protestant work ethic or Jewish guilt and the evil eye, or some other place entirely, most of us are battling this super power.
Whatever their origins, it’s time to shed these detrimental constructs. It’s time to tell all those old tapes, “Thank you, but no thank you. You no longer serve me, so I no longer serve you. Thanks for stopping by (and moving in) now please leave.” Dealing with our sense of not deserving is a major game changer and not dealing with it is an absolute show stopper. This is one door that is “too wide you can’t get around it, too low you can’t get under it, too high you can’t go over it – you’ve got to go through that door.” So….
Start noticing where you’ve drawn your lines in the sand. How much good do you believe you deserve? And are you biased in different areas? Will you allow yourself more good in some areas, but not so much in others? Do you have to earn everything good that comes your way? Does struggle have to be involved and is there a price tag to pay? Notice. Acknowledge. Redesign.